My Darling Baby,
I’m sorry this took me so long to write. People have told me that time heals wounds and that things get easier. Although losing you hurts less now, I think of you every single day.
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My Darling Baby,
Being a single parent is hard enough, add in trying to meet someone and it’s nearly impossible. Top that off with having been out of the dating pool for 14 years and it becomes a heck of a lot of trail and error. I have learned some big lessons though all of this, ones that I would like to share with you. Ones that I may have to refer back to in the future. Continue reading →
I could say that my first crushes were George Michael (I was so upset when I found out he was gay), Ricky Schroder (I loved Silver Spoons. I can still remember my favorite episode. Ricky gets dumped by a girl and he squishes chocolate eclairs in his hands while their song plays on the radio. Yes, the one and only Broken Wings by Mr. Mister) and Tony Hawk (No additional information needed). But, my first REAL crush. Like, a boy in real life was Steven Hrushka. Yes, I am using his real name. Maybe he will find this post and it will make him laugh.
My Dearest Azalee:
A year ago today, you came into this world. 9 months before that, you were just a tiny little bean in my body.
When I found out I was pregnant with you, I was cautiously excited. I went to bed every night, rubbed my tummy and told you how much I already loved you and asked you to find a way to be extra sticky.
The doctors sent us to an early ultrasound and the tech went right to your tiny beating heart. I must have asked the lady 20 times if she was sure everything was okay. Each time she told us you looked perfect, more tears formed. Happy tears.
You forced me to eat watermelon, Kraft Dinner, bubble tea and Pizza Pops. The cravings were insane. You were stubborn even before you were born.
When I see a picture of a newborn baby on Facebook, I’ll click to read the comments, even if I don’t know the parents. I love seeing pictures of wee people, reading their name and tiny pieces of their birth story.
A couple of weeks ago, I saw a comment under photo of a new baby boy that said: “Welcome to the Big Girl’s Club, (insert mom’s name here)!”.
At that moment, I really wish I knew the parties involved. I really, really wanted to write a comment about how ridiculous it was to think that having a child made you a “Big Girl” and on the flip side, not having a child makes you lesser of a woman.
I can’t believe 2012 is coming to a close. It was an absolutely amazing year full of so many great moments. I figured I would take a moment to reflect on them.
January was a month of change. I started getting ready for our new baby who was due in March. Tenesea helped:
Derek also became a year older and a year wiser.
I feel like the walls are closing in on me. Literally. My 1200 square foot home is completely full of stuff. It is completely overwhelming which is making me feel like I need to buy a bigger house.
I grew up in row houses, apartments, single-wides, double-wides and finally a house about the size of the one I’m in now. Our family squished ourselves into some confined homes, but I never felt this way.
I’ll let you in on a little secret: I do my best thinking in the shower. Something about the heat, water and solitude ignites my brain.
Last week, I had an epiphany moment in the shower. I need a new fitness goal. A goal that is even loftier than running a 5k. One that is going to keep me focused for more than 9 weeks. Something so insane, it scares every part of my being. It came to me as I poured shampoo into my hand.
I am going to train and run a half-marathon in September 2013.
As I struggle to find a clean dress for my four-year old daughter, I’m muttering some unsavoury words that I hope she isn’t paying attention to.
Right now, she refuses to wear pants. Why? Because princesses wear dresses.
As a kid, I was raised on Disney. Sunday nights were my absolute favourite. My siblings and I would eat supper quickly to make sure we didn’t miss even one moment of the Disney movie that started at 6.
This was before PVRs, VCRs and even TV remotes. It was my brother’s job to move the rabbit ears to get the best reception. Poor kid would watch the TV on his tippy toes with one arm stretched out at times.
We watched Cinderella be saved by a prince. We watched Sleeping Beauty be saved by Prince Philip and we watched Snow White be whisked away by Prince Charming.
None of this really phased me as a child, but this morning, when I asked Tenesea why she was begging to wear a dress, her response was “I want to be beautiful, like a princess”.
As usual, I told her that she is always beautiful, no matter what she wears. I tell her she is beautiful inside and out. I make sure that I thank her when she’s being good and tell her how proud I am when she figures something out on her own. Is it enough?
I get her love for Disney Princesses, I really do. Fairy tales are so interesting and fun. They take you to far away lands and are full of adventure. But, the princesses are typically saved by a prince or knight in shining armour.
I feel it’s my job as a parent to encourage her to strive beyond her dreams and to remind her that she’s unconditionally loved.
At four, is she being lead to believe she will need to find a man to save her and wear dresses to be attractive?
Her honest conversations with me about beauty and intelligence are scary at times. There is a fine line between worrying about unnecessary things and knowing that most of what a person learns comes from first experiences and childhood. You flip up a light switch and the light turn on. You put shampoo in your hair and rinse it out. These lessons we learn and do without thinking. They become second nature.
I’m worried that Tenesea’s second nature will be comparing herself to ideas and images that are unattainable and unrealistic.
I wish I had an answer to this. I wish I had the secret key to building the self esteem of a young girl so she knows she is amazing, intelligent, compassionate and beautiful.
If you do have the magic key, please let me know. I’m struggling here and could use some help.