Goodbye 2015

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2015 started off as I watched the ball drop in Times Square from my living room. I had a glass of wine in my hand and two amazing little girls sleeping in the room at the end of the hall.  My heart felt full.

After years of not traveling because my ex-husband liked home, stability, and routine more than adventure, 2013 to 205 made up for lost time and helped me regain my wanderlust and urge to see the world. I went to Puerto Vallarta, Jasper, Osoyoos, Toronto, and Austin this year.

I felt the pull of salt water in Mexico reminding me of how powerful of a draw I have to water. I dug my feet into the sand and grounded myself as the fullest moon magnified on the water.

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I meditated by a secluded mountain stream in Jasper and felt peace in my soul as I grabbed shells out of a freezing mountain lake that I had a calling to go see.

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I felt sorrow leave my body as I lay on my grandma’s grave and asked her for guidance. Each year, I tell her all about my life and my girls as tears roll down my face and I miss her so much my soul aches. As I wept, a Monarch butterfly landed beside me, as did a hummingbird. I know she’s always around. I then sat my feet in the lake, fully exposed with no fear. I know I am protected and that there’s no need to fear the fire and drive starting to burn inside of me.

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I found myself in a place I’ve never been before and walked across the street to a fast moving brook in the darkness. There, I burned letters of release during one of the most powerful full moons of my lifetime. I let go, burned sage, and programmed my intentions into my most loved crystals. It was time to renew.

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I dressed up in sparkly unicorn onesie pajamas and danced like no one was watching. For one night, I allowed myself to just be in the moment. I trusted that all would be looked after and that I would end up exactly where I needed to be. It was. I honored my inner child and had fun playing.  I need to do this more often.

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Beyond traveling…

I wrote and wrote and wrote. I stopped trying to make my words move in rigid, systematic ways and chose to grab any journal and start writing. Most of the time, my writing brought contentment, but I still spend a lot of days writing with tears streaming down my face. I still have so much to learn in this life.

I loved, fought, hugged, kissed, laughed, danced, sang, and valued every single moment with my fierce daughters. The happy moments now outweigh the ones where I feel disappointed and overwhelmed. Every day, I thank my lucky stars that these amazing little souls chose me as their mom. They make my heart smile.

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I left things, places, and people that didn’t make me happy which lead me into things. places, and people that do. I’m worth more. I see this now.

I made thousands of tiny decisions and a some major ones. Even if I didn’t feel like I was in control of the situation, I realize now that I always am. Always.

I manifested an amazing job doing what I love with people I respect, care for, and believe in. I’m finally in a career where I feel like I make a difference I’m so thankful. It’s a great fit in so many ways. I wake up excited to get out of bed and get to the office.

I stood in fields, buildings, and houses and watched some of the most talented bands in the world perform. In these moments, I was struck by so much happiness, love, and sense of community. Pure bliss.

I found my voice. I told my story and found real strength in advocating for people who can’t do the same. I stood up with pride and without shame. I no longer need to carry my past with me as a burden. Instead, it’s my gauge of growth and understanding of the parallels between our stories. We are all connected after all.

2015 was my year of rebuilding, on my own terms, and from within. I found my footing solo, without feeling the need to have a partner beside me. I needed to focus on loving myself first, to be okay with me. In this, I’ve found my own happiness and strength. I leaned on my spirituality, wisdom, and many goddesses (you know who you are) to help carry me through.

It wasn’t an easy year for me, but it was a necessary one. A caterpillar can’t turn into a butterfly before it changes itself completely, as my grandma liked to say. 2016 is my year to spread my wings and fly.