Most of the time, when bloggers put up a post after a long delay, they start off by apologizing. This isn’t something I am going to do. In fact, I’m proud of myself for not posting. Weird, I know.
A year ago today, I asked my husband to leave myself and the girls. Our life together wasn’t making either of us happy and it was starting to affect the kids. Even at the young age of one and four, the girls were fully aware of being in a home without joy. As much as I tried to make life great for them and myself, it become very clear that you can’t fool anyone. You can’t fool your kids, friends, family and certainly not your own mind. On March 27th, 2013 I decided to make myself a priority and this took a lot of change. A LOT of change.
Leading up to 2013, I tweeted up to 100 times a day, I blogged and I spent a lot of time on Facebook and texting. Social media became my escape. On social media, I could be the strong, intelligent, successful person and mom that I wanted to be. I didn’t share how afraid I had become or how hopeless things felt at times. I became involved in other people’s issues, I baked and baked and baked, I took on more work, I joined more committees and made a decision to be busy at all time. If I was busy, I didn’t have to deal with my own issues. I could take the focus away from myself and my problems. All was sunny and optimistic in Jenland.
When I made the decision to end my marriage, I also made the decision to stop pretending that my life was awesome and truly make it so. In order to do this, I had to take a giant step back from my blog and social media. I turned to journaling with an actual pen and paper. Oh man, did I journal. I wrote every day. Some days it was a couple of sentences, other days it was pages and pages. In 12 months, my written words took up six full sized journals. As I wrote, I learned more about myself and had some giant moments. Moments that made me smile, cry, throw things and dance around a room. No, separation and divorce isn’t like in Eat Pray Love. It’s raw, emotional, devastating, exhilarating, blissful and disappointing all at the same time.
I needed this year of introspection. I needed to find myself after 14 years. I needed to find my inner power and the little punk rock girl screaming inside me in order to take my life back and create a place of love and respect for my girls. In doing so, I finally feel moments of overwhelming happiness. I smile more, dance more, laugh more and appreciate more. I’ve found my core and I’d have to say I’m pretty damn fabulous.
Of course I couldn’t write any of this without the love and support of my friends and the family I’ve chosen. Thank you for checking up on me. Thank you for pushing me when I needed it. Thank you for letting me cry on your shoulder. Thank you for bringing me back down to earth when my anxiety was taking over. Thank you for getting me out of the house. Thank you for telling me it’s going to be okay. Thank you for laughing with me and for crying with me. Thank you for offering to help me with the girls and for not taking no for an answer. Thank you for all of the hugs and for not trying to make me high five you. Thank you for helping me with responsibilities that I just couldn’t handle. Thank you for telling me to be kind to myself. Thank you for helping me realize that I DO deserve success, love and a life full of pure bliss. Thank you for standing by me. Thank you for helping me fight for my girls.