I spend a lot of time trying to find silver linings in situations. It’s the biggest task of an optimist. You are constantly struggling for something to hold onto. Something that makes the pain seem less and the hurt go away. Something that will drag you out of the darkness when you need it. The problem with that is, sometimes you need the darkness.
As human beings, we go through so much, so often that chaos is almost second nature. How else could you feel happy and sad at the same time? Or go through a range of emotions that can include: frustration, bliss, anger and heart wrenching pain in the same day? Right now, I’m 3 months into a separation- the end to a 14 year relationship. I’m working all of the emotions involved with this and I just can’t seem to find a calm place. I wish someone would write a manual on how to do this right.
On one hand, you need time to mourn a relationship, especially one that lasted almost half of your life. On the other hand, I want to just be done with it. At 3 months, I feel like I should be done. Done worrying about it and be free from the habits that brought me sadness, anger and frustration to begin with. At what point can you just shut it off?
On the bright side (see, I told you this is always where my brain goes), I do have the ability to make my own happiness. In fact, I recently realized that I am worth happiness. I am also worthy of success and love that knocks you off your feet. Even with this internal shift, I keep going back to moments of darkness. Thankfully, these moments get less every day. They lessen when I spend time laughing with friends, meeting clients, cuddling my little girls, running and meditating. These things that make me happy and bring me back to my core. The things that get me though my day.
It almost feels like a separation is a damned if you do; damned if you don’t situation. If you talk about it too much, you sound like you aren’t moving on fast enough. If you don’t talk about it enough, it sounds like you aren’t dealing with well. There are so many expectations on how a person is supposed to deal with this. At 3 months, am I still able to ask for support and get it? Is talking about it a sign of weakness? I don’t know. I just don’t know.
When I talk about darkness, I don’t mean a place where I am going to hurt myself or anyone else. No, not that kind of darkness. The darkness I mean is the point of mourning. The point of realizing that I allowed this unhappy relationship to go on for so long. That I allowed myself to be talked to in that way. That I allowed myself to be treated in that way. That I allowed my kids to see it. None of this takes me to a happy place.
Yes, I will rise from this. Yes, I will make better decisions going forward and come out on top. Yes, I will show my daughters that they can persevere and overcome any obstacles in their life. But, for right now, in this moment, I will clutch a crystal in my hand and meditate into this darkness. I know it won’t be here long.