It’s been over a month since I last wrote on this site. There’s been so much to say, but I needed my brain to catch up to my heart before I could get my thoughts down.
I’ve always said that I welcome change in my life, and I do. For the most part, change is great. It gets your blood flowing and your brain moving. The changes that have happened in the past month were hard though, really hard.
I had to admit that my 9 year marriage was over and I filed for separation.
All of a sudden, I became a single mom of two little girls. I felt sad, broken and stunned. Instead of dealing with everything, I shut down. I went through the motions and only allowed myself enough energy to get through the day.
My energy went into bootcamp, the girls, work, errands, rearranging my house and cleaning. So much cleaning. My anxiety became so bad, I couldn’t even sit down for more than 5 minutes, let alone sleep. Smiles were forced and I laughed less. I felt like a shell of myself, just going through the motions.
Although this blog has always been my place to get my thoughts out, I just couldn’t. Between lawyers and not wanting to air my dirty laundry, I got horrible writers block.
Don’t worry, I still have no intention of spewing my separation/divorce details on this blog. Just maybe some realizations and when I’m ready, maybe some insights into dating as a 30 something single mom. It’s been 14 years and I wouldn’t even no where to start with that.
In fact, I’m so out of the loop, I had this conversation with my amazing friend and business partner- Sarah:
Me: “I just read that one of my friends was hanging out with bearded, bigger guys and called them Bears. Sarah, am I into Bears? Like, should I be looking for a Bear?”
Sarah: *big eyed and in shock* “Ummm..did you say Bear? Jen, you may be into Bears, but they won’t be into you.”
Me: *sad voice*
“Oh, I see. Bears wouldn’t be into me. Okay.”
Sarah: *laughing hysterically*
“It’s not you, Jen. A Bear is a gay term. I don’t think you’re into gay men any more than they are into you”.
Me: *shaking my head and laughing*
“I sure as hell have a lot to learn, don’t I?”
And this is why you have best friends. They get you out of potentially awkward situations.
Thankfully, this past week has had a lot of clarity on it. I’m moving from a point of numb to small glimpses of happiness while I look after myself again. Time to focus on self love (not like that, you perverts). I mean positive affirmations and self healing.
I have the most amazing friends, support system and two of the sweetest little cuddle monsters around. I’ll get through this just fine.