I Feel Like the Walls Are Caving In

I feel like the walls are closing in on me. Literally. My 1200 square foot home is completely full of stuff. It is completely overwhelming which is making me feel like I need to buy a bigger house.

I grew up in row houses, apartments, single-wides, double-wides and finally a house about the size of the one I’m in now. Our family squished ourselves into some confined homes, but I never felt this way.

I was running on the treadmill the other day thinking about buying new house and how nice it would be to upgrade to a place that would grow with us as the walls are caving in. While I was resting before my shower, I looked over and saw this:

This is half of the toys that Tenesea has. The other half is spilling out of the toy box in her room onto the floor.

I can tell you right now that I never had this many toys as a child. In fact, I’m pretty sure I never owned this amount of toys combined throughout my entire childhood.

This made me really pause and think hard about how all of these toys came to be. In a lot of cases, these toys were purchased because T didn’t have a tantrum at the grocery store, mall or store. She was a good girl so she deserved a toy. This realization made me stop in my tracks.

She was a good girl so she deserves a toy.

This sounds so much like my internal talk about food.

I ran this morning, I deserve this (insert sugary, high-fat food here).

When I was a child, I got toys on special occasions. Now, my daughter gets them for being good. This definitely works in her favour as she’s always a good girl, she just has her moments at times. It’s gotten so bad, that she had no idea what she owns anymore. Even I have no idea what is in these heaps.

My food issues completely mirror this. I am quite active and eat well, so how is it that I deserve treats for being good? I am running to make my body healthier. So why am I sabotaging myself every day that I make the right choices? Seems backwards doesn’t it?

I’ve started something new. Instead of buying Tenesea a toy each time she doesn’t act out in public, I thank her and give her kisses instead. When I do buy her something, I want her to remember it and not have it thrown into a pile and forgotten.

I’ve also tried to rephrase the “I deserve” something bad for me because I’ve made good decisions self talk. I’m saving my treats for special occasions so I can take time to savour and enjoy them. Why be disappointed after a bowl of Lucky Charms when I can have an experience with a piece of cheesecake?

As for my house, I haven’t made any decisions, but I do know that a local charity is getting a huge donation this month. Time to make room so we can showcase the things that really matter.